Saturday, November 13, 2010

Zailen has a 1st cousin named Zailen!

Wow, Zailen is a big cousin to a little guy named Zailen... he came 4 months after Zailen. His nickname is Zaidubb(2). At first I wasnt sure of how I was going to react to my sister's new baby, being I lost my baby boy earlier that year. Going through the rest of her pregnancy was hard, the mad moments, the jealous moments, :( she understood though & I love her alot for doing so. Her baby being named after my son was a total surprise, I woke up that morning and went to the hospital to see him & they told me "Congrats on your new nephew Zailen Arkez Wallace"! My heart dropped, I didnt know how to feel about it at first, I thought "WOW are these people trying to replace my baby?" but then my sister explained to me that she did it in remembrance. I loved her for that, so now yearss from now, when Zaidubb is a grown man, I can tell him... "You were named after my first born son" It was an honor for him to have Zai's name. He will always be remembered by everyone now, not only I will make sure of that, but my nephew Zailen Arkez Wallace will too. xoxoxo

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Zailen Arkez Sampratt

My Prince was conceived August 1st 2009, my 15th birthday I knew he was special when he was inside of me. The weeks I carried him within me were rocky, similar to being stuck between a rock and a hard spot. September 4th, 2009 I found out I was expecting. It was the best day of my life, and also the scariest. In the begining I felt alone, like all I had was my precious baby. Throughout this journey i've learned alot and one big thing is to appriciate life. A pregnancy is not promised, I miss my son with all my heart not a day goes by that I dont think of him. December 16th, 2009 I found out I was welcoming a prince. The ultrasound was extremely amazing. I fell in love with him the moment I heard his heartbeat. January 17th, 2010 I found out that my baby boy had grown wings. January 18th, 2010 I gave death to him. Why didnt he say goodbye to his mama? Shit, ill never know. He's my everything, I love him with everything inside. I feel like I lost myself. Life after death has been somewhat horrible. Learning to live with it is the hardest thing i've ever had to do. Im stressed out, so tired, my days are so long. I need a vacation from all of this, one day in the future ill look back and realize that God has brought me a looonngggg way. I dont understand how life goes on without my son. This loss has made me a better person in ways, everyone wants to be sooo wise but havent went through anything to be it. I consider me and all the rest of the angel mommies as the strongest women in the world. 1000 blocks but it all ends at one road. Seems like nobody understands me around this bitch, I always knew it was going be some stuff I would go through that would make it hard to smile. Seems like im stranded in this land of hell of Jail & weed sales. Zailen was waiting to breath and beleive. My lifestyle is a closed caption, days go by but nothing changes. Only the date. I still feel the same, I wonder when will I be happy. I often wish that I could save everyone but im a dreamer. Everyday I walk around being smothered by my own pain. Embrace Zai's life & change the world. This loss has brung death to the peace I had in my heart. There's now a black hole where my heart once was, I call it silent grief. People ask me will I change, I tellem yeah but its clear ill always be the same. I love you & miss you Zailen, forever my first born. Use your hands to heal my broken heart, Until the end of time Mr. Sampratt! Ill always be your mom, BELEIVE THAT